I really wanted to be a mom. It took two surgeries and many months of going to the doctor to get diagnosed with hypothyroidism and prescribed meds that I will have to take everyday for the rest of my life to be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Let's just say, I really wanted to be a mom. But being a mom is not always the way I envisioned it. Some days are very very difficult. So difficult you are left emotionally bruised and battered and not always better for the wear. Today was one of those days.
Going on very little sleep, I found myself angry at my precious angel because she wouldn't sleep. She would be passed out while nursing, but every time I put her in her crib she would wake and cry until I picked her up. When I say "cry", it is no ordinary cry, but turning bright red/purple, and screaming until choking. I want to do what's best for my baby. I want to be a good mother, a caring mother. But in moments such as this, I just become an annoyed, frustrated, tired, cranky mother.
I want to be that wonderful mother. You know the kind of mother... the kind that always knows just what to do, the kind that never gets frazzled or annoyed with her kids, the kind that just smiles and the baby is comforted. Then, I realized that I am that mother. I'm Penelope's mother and she doesn't smile her million dollar smile for just anyone all the time, only me. I'm like the "Rockstar". Sometimes she looks at me like I'm famous. Like... "OMG! I can't believe she's standing right there." It's wonderful, such an ego boost. It almost makes up for the inevitable teen years I know will come when she hates me and everything I do.
I need to learn to go with the flow and just be Penn's mommy. Love her. And... fake it till you make it. :)
~Green
No comments:
Post a Comment