No sleep for mom

For many, many years, well... at least as long as I can remember, I have had insomnia. It flares up from time to time and gets really bad, but I usually have it. I don't really think of it as insomnia, but my sleep schedule. Allowed to sleep when my body wants and I will fall asleep at 3 or 4AM and wake up around 11AM - that is perfect for me. Unfortunately, I live in the world and have had to adapt to a more "regular" sleep/wake routine. Now that I don't work, I'm back to being nocturnal. The only bad thing about this is that my daughter is being affected. I think she is picking up this same strange nighttime routine. I'd love for her to be a good sleeper and to not have to adapt every Fall for school, but she may be hardwired for no sleep like her mom.

If it were just an unusual or irregular schedule it would be fine, but I end up feeling depressed and a little like a misfit for having unusual sleep habits. It's a lonely time - being awake and knowing every infomercial by heart... watching the same old movies over and over again because it makes me feel comforted when I'm awake for hours with no company.

I guess it might be good to have Penn on the same sleep schedule... at least we can keep each other company...

Learning, always learning

I really wanted to be a mom. It took two surgeries and many months of going to the doctor to get diagnosed with hypothyroidism and prescribed meds that I will have to take everyday for the rest of my life to be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Let's just say, I really wanted to be a mom. But being a mom is not always the way I envisioned it. Some days are very very difficult. So difficult you are left emotionally bruised and battered and not always better for the wear. Today was one of those days.

Going on very little sleep, I found myself angry at my precious angel because she wouldn't sleep. She would be passed out while nursing, but every time I put her in her crib she would wake and cry until I picked her up. When  I say "cry", it is no ordinary cry, but turning bright red/purple, and screaming until choking. I want to do what's best for my baby. I want to be a good mother, a caring mother. But in moments such as this, I just become an annoyed, frustrated, tired, cranky mother.

I want to be that wonderful mother. You know the kind of mother... the kind that always knows just what to do, the kind that never gets frazzled or annoyed with her kids, the kind that just smiles and the baby is comforted. Then, I realized that I am that mother. I'm Penelope's mother and she doesn't smile her million dollar smile for just anyone all the time, only me. I'm like the "Rockstar". Sometimes she looks at me like I'm famous. Like... "OMG! I can't believe she's standing right there." It's wonderful, such an ego boost. It almost makes up for the inevitable teen years I know will come when she hates me and everything I do.

I need to learn to go with the flow and just be Penn's mommy. Love her. And... fake it till you make it. :)
~Green

Teaching & Learning

Being a new mom is all about teaching and learning. I think other than being in elementary school, this is the most new learning I've done in my life. It would seem that raising a child would be second nature, I mean, I've been a child, I can remember what it was like... sort of.  But everything I do for her I feel like I need to learn, to consult with other mothers and resources. Lots of resources. There are so many techniques and ways to do things out there, some new and some older than dirt. I try to just follow my best judgement and do what comes naturally to me and to Penelope, but it's not always so easy.

My daughter is a different person than I am and she doesn't do things the way that I would do them, or do do them (I wrote do do - ha!). She is a perfect blend of personality traits from both her father and me - which is just crazy to think about. She gets from me:

• a fabulous sense of humor
• her love of animals (especially dogs)
• her ability to fight off sleep
• her love of attention

and from her dad:

• anger and frustration at not being able to do everything
• a quiet intelligence (you can just see that she is brilliant)
• her love of looking at herself in the mirror

I'm enjoying learning about her so much that sometimes I don't know if I'm teaching her the right things - I mean that I get sidetracked by watching her and am not always the greatest role model. Like going to get fast food instead of cooking dinner because we spent all afternoon at the zoo again and I just don't feel like cooking. Or watching The Hills and The City on tv because it's on and it's late and I just really want to watch it. Or drinking cokes with my meals - mostly diet, but still...

I guess I need to cut myself some slack. It's a learning process.